Faith

"Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." -Hebrews 11:1

We were asked a question in our Life Group today... how would we describe what we believe about God? Responses included "He is sovereign", "He loves me", "He is in control", "He knows what's best for me", etc.  When something bad happens to others, we hear similar ideas... "Everything happens for a reason", "It's all part of God's plan", "It's for the greater good".  My response was that I didn't really know how to articulate it in to one word or phrase.

A skeptic or a cynic might say something very different... "If there's a God, that wouldn't happen" or "How could a loving God allow that happen?"  On the heels of a second miscarriage, I can say that my mind has not gone there, and I pray it won't.  I haven't found myself angry or in question of the reasoning behind any of it.  But when it seems to be such a common occurrence, between other family and friends, and there are so many people dealing with similar or worse issues, I have found my mind wandering to dark places, allowing questions in like "What if this whole thing isn't true?",  "What if it's all for not?", "What if it all really is all just chance and circumstance?"

In Philippians 1:21-23 Paul talks about "...to live is Christ, and to die is gain..."  That sounds real awesome and inspiring, and all those phrases about "God's plan" and "He's in control" sound fantastic until I get punched in the stomach by life.  The pill doesn't go down quite so smoothly, and if I'm not careful, dark thoughts from a dark power allow me to go to dark places in my mind.  For me, these thoughts have only creeped, and I have not allowed them to take root, mostly through prayer.  Our pastor preached 1 Peter 1:13 today, "Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ."  A few of his points around this verse focused on how we are to protect our minds from distractions and hindrances.  We have to work hard to prevent the pressures of life from clouding our focus.

I have yet to experience a time when faced with doubt, struggle, or temptation, where I stopped and prayed for reassurance or a way out, that God did not respond in some way.  I'll give two examples from this week directly related to our current circumstance.  First, after the first miscarriage in October, we were very moved and very encouraged by this video, which we have watched many, many times...



In case you didn't watch the video, the scripture at the very end is Psalm 73: 25-26, "Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."  This past Wednesday, as we were getting ready to go to the hospital, I clicked on biblegateway.com to see what the verse of the day was and it just so happened to be Psalm 73: 25-26.  Some might say it was just a coincidence.  Maybe.  Later that morning, a friend sent me a text of encouragement and suggested that I read 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10.  It's long so I won't type the whole thing, but in verse 9, the Lord tells Paul, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." And Paul goes on to say in verse 10, "For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."  I find great comfort and reassurance in these words.  I read this passage with Em and her sister and we prayed together for it to be made so in us.  I've been listening to a lengthy sermon series on Ephesians from 2003 in my car.  I listened to the first 4 parts last week and didn't listen again until this Thursday when I went back to work.  In part 5, the pastor preached 2 Corinthians 12: 7-10 as part of his sermon.  It blew my flipping mind and immediately relieved any doubts or uncertainty that were tempting me.  I can not, do not, and will not believe that it was just a coincidence... just chance and circumstance.  I believe it was His subtle, or not-so-subtle, way of whispering "I'm here... and I know... don't lose heart."

I do not believe that God made this happen.  I do believe he allowed it to happen.  Suffering comes in all shapes and sizes.  And when it comes, we have a choice.  We can get mad and shake our fists at God and say "how dare you?!" or "I don't believe in you!"... or we can put our faith in the idea that "He is sovereign", "He loves me", "He is in control", and "It's all part of God's plan".  Our pastor said it well this morning, "We are not at the mercy of anything in this world because we have hope in Christ."  That same faith that is so strong when things are going well has to hold up when things go badly, or it stops being faith.  The bible is very clear that following Christ will likely involve suffering.  Just ask the disciples.  When I am struggling with doubts, questions, uncertainty because of suffering that just doesn't make sense, He is always faithful to reassure.  It sounds cheesy and cliche to say that, but I've experienced far too many things in my own life and in the lives of others to write it off as coincidence.  It's been a tough week, and we have certainly had better ones.  But our faith is not shaken.  God is good, even when things are bad.  We may never understand why this happened, and we don't know what the future holds.  We aren't promised anything.  We're not promised tomorrow morning.  But our faith is in the promise of something better to come, and so I think my answer to the Life Group question would be that I believe there is no way it's all just chance and circumstance.  And Emily and I will continue to do our best to be faithful in both good times and bad.

Happy Thanksgiving!

"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." - Colossians 3:17

It's Thursday morning, Thanksgiving Day 2010.  But this year, it feels very different.  We always celebrate Thanksgiving with my side of the family and Christmas with Emily's side, but this year, we are going solo. I think this is the first time that I've ever been away from my family on Turkey Day.  This is Em's year in the holiday rotation at work so we were unable to go to the Woodlands with the Koelling clan.  And with Mom's move to Oregon, we didn't have a lot of options.  So as I sit here watching Abbott eat breakfast while Em is at work, it really just feels like another day.  But I am determined to get in the holiday spirit and make it feel like Thanksgiving for us at home and I thought a good way to kick off the holiday cheer might be to write some things that I'm thankful for, so here goes.

First of all, if you're reading this, I hope you don't hear me complaining or pitying myself.  It's just a little different and a little weird.  I'm so thankful for all of my family and the fact that everyone is getting to celebrate together in some form or fashion.  I'm particularly thankful that Mom is spending Thanksgiving with Charlie and the rest of her family up in the northwest.  I'm so thankful that Em and I both have good jobs, even if they do keep us from doing what we want from time to time.  I'm so thankful that we have a roof over our heads and a way to get from point A to point B.  I'm thankful for the freedoms and the luxuries we have in this country.  I'm thankful for the fact that we don't have to worry, at least for now, about if and what we are going to eat or whether or not Abbott is going to be provided for.

I'm thankful for my friends, of which I have many.  Many of my best friends have been so since elementary school and remain so to this day.  And many of my best friends I've gained along the way.  I'm thankful for my family.  Despite my parents' divorce, they managed to instill in us the values, morals, and wisdom that we have today.  And because of that, I remain very close with my brother and sister and, despite all the turmoil, we've somehow managed to keep our heads on straight and work together with Mom and Dad to keep this family together despite it's division.  I'm thankful that even though they couldn't work things out between them, they loved us enough to "raise us right" as my brother-in-law, Hudson, would say.  I'm thankful for Emily and her family, because in the last decade they have been a source of stability for me when things weren't really stable on my end.  I love them all so very much and am proud to call them my family.

I am so thankful for my beautiful wife and my precious daughter.  And I am so thankful to the Lord for the blessings He has showered on my life through them.  Emily is such an amazing strength in this marriage and family.  She does so much and gives so much of herself that I marvel at times.  Anyone that knows me knows exactly what I'd be doing if I had to work today, tomorrow, and over the weekend.  It wouldn't be pretty.  Yet I haven't heard, or even detected, a single hint of negativity or complaint from Emily.  She's much better at removing her wants and needs from most equations than I am.  And she's such an amazing mother.  Watching her with Abbott makes me love her a little more every time.  I'm so thankful for my Fridays off with Abbott, but it ain't a cake walk by any stretch.  And for Em and all you other mothers that stay home with the kid(s) on a more frequent basis... wow!  Anyone that would talk down at being a stay at home mom has absolutely no concept of the hard work it is.  I'm thankful for wives and moms, and if any of you men out there haven't taken a minute to reflect on all the hard work they do while we are sitting on the couch, or at work, or doing "guy stuff", you should do it now.  It's the perfect day for it!

Watching Abbott grow up, especially at this phase in life, is like watching an ongoing daily miracle.  I'm probably a little biased here (just a little), but she is so smart.  She catches on so quickly and she's so sweet and playful.  Not the biggest cuddler, which has been hard on Daddy, but we have our moments.  She is so expressive and funny, and slightly dramatic... I can't imagine where she got such qualities.  It's kind of like here blond hair and blue eyes... what in the world is that all about?!  Being a father is such a blessing.  She has added so much joy to a life, marriage, and family that already had it's fair share.  I hope and pray that we will have more children.  And I would love to have a son some day.  But having a little girl makes me kind of want more little girls.  It's weird what happens to a man when a daughter arrives on the scene.  I'm thankful for my girls, and I love being able to say "my girls".

I'm very thankful for our church family.  We joined our church a few years ago but have only started getting plugged in in the last several months.  A door was opened up for us to get involved with the college ministry and it has been quite a blessing.  And I'm thankful for Mary, the leader of the college ministry who is opening her home this afternoon to us and a handful of college students so that we can all spend Thanksgiving in fellowship with friends and loved ones.  I'm thankful for TURKEY BALL (if you don't know, you should find out!).  And I'm thankful for awesome traditions like Turkey Bowling (because my family is awesome!).  And yes, we will be passing the tradition along this afternoon, as Emily has obtained a set of bowling pins from the bowling alley.  Pins, check.  Tarp, check.  Frozen turkey, check.  Awesometown, check.

I very much believe that all of these things that I have to be thankful for are made possible only by the grace of God.  I am so thankful that because of what happened on the cross, I have been given the gift of grace, and through faith I can have hope in something greater than all of these things.  I've had very few real trials in my life, but I'm not promised 5 minutes from now and I'm so thankful that no matter what happens, no matter how the tides may turn, no matter which way the wind blows, my hope and my faith and my fate don't terminate here on earth.  I stumble and stray more than not, but the beauty of grace is that I don't have to run away from God and clean myself up.  I can press in to Him and keep trudging forward with an assurance like no other.  Grace and mercy are hard to wrap your head around sometimes, but unmerited favor in the eyes of God is a powerful thing to be thankful for and I probably don't thank Him enough.

"Since we have the same spirit of faith according to what has been written, "I believed, and so I spoke," we also believe, and so we also speak, knowing that he who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and bring us with you into his presence.  For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people, it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God." - 2 Corinthians 4:13-15

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving.  Thank you very much if you took the time to read this.

GOBBLE GOBBLE!

Thoughts on God

Back in October I was engaged in a conversation about politics in an email thread with some friends. It inadvertently turned into a conversation about God, primarily because my friend Blake, who is actually the younger brother of one of my best friends, kept turning everything back to God and faith and prayer. At the time this was very frustrating for me. If I'm being honest I'd have to say that up until that point, my attitude towards church, and religion, and ultimately God, had been somewhat cynical. I should be clear... I've always believed in God. I've always been a Christian. Since I was little. That doesn't necessarily mean I always understood what it meant and it certainly didn't mean I had a relationship with God.

I'll spare the long details of the email conversation back in October, but something very significant happened to me on October 22nd, which was a Thursday. I was in between patients and got in my car, eager to check my email and see if anyone had responded to the thread, and there was an email from Blake. He had sent me a very long email basically telling me his entire testimony. One thing in particular that resonated very deeply with me was a story about how one of his friends came to him and was in great need spiritually. Blake arranged for them to meet his bible study leader at Starbucks and he sat back and watched the guy lead his friend to Christ right then and there. As they were leaving, his bible study leader asked Blake "what makes you happy in life?" Blake remained silent because he knew his answer would be some typical "guy" answer. He then looked Blake square in the face and said, "I fish for men's souls". Blake explained to me about how that moment changed his life forever and he committed himself to doing the same right then. This was approximately 2 years ago and now he turned up in our email conversation and was addressing me.

His email was very long and very encouraging. He told me all the ways that he used to look up to me when he was younger and pointed out things in me that he saw as strengths. As he told me about his faith, he encouraged me in mine and as I read his email I found myself overcome with emotion. It was kind of like a sucker punch. I'm going along, minding my own business when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the Holy Spirit jumps out of the bushes and punches me right in the chest! It was awesome... and weird. I believe that God used Blake that day to renew my spirit. It wasn't one particular thing, or even a number of things. But I had basically reached a point where I simply wasn't involving God in any aspect of my life, much less my family's. In that moment I had this overwhelming notion of "it's not about me" and "nothing else matters". I called Emily and told her that I felt like God was working on me and I asked her to pray. I then proceeded to drive 30 miles to my next patient's house in utter silence. Just kind of pondering everything.

Since that day, I've had an undying desire to grow closer to the Lord. I have a goal and desire to get in the Word everyday, and I'm failing miserably, but keep trying. I have a goal and a desire to pray everyday, alone and with Emily, and I'm failing miserably, but keep trying. As I dig in the scriptures, and discuss God with others, and listen to sermons, I understand a little more each day that the only thing that matters is a relationship with Christ. Good behavior, morality, rules, regulations, they're all great, but they don't bring salvation. Christ brings salvation, and with salvation comes change. A change of heart and mind. I am a human. I am a man. I am a Christian. I am not God, and therefore, I am not perfect. I fall short every single day of His glory. How can one not, especially in today's age of technology, entertainment, sports, television, celebrities, and the internet? No matter which way you turn, there is a distraction or a temptation. But the beauty is the cross, and the fact that Christ came here and faced those same distractions and temptations so that I would have an empathetic savior and so that I would know that I always have a way out when faced with sin.

My reason for writing this is not to be preachy. It is because I have a desire to talk with others about God. I want to share, I want to discuss, I want to learn. And I want others to see God's grace and mercy and salvation through me and my family. It just so happens that this is a particular area that I've never been comfortable with. And I think a lot of people struggle in the same way. I think it comes from a worldly fear that I'm going to offend someone or that someone is going to think I'm odd. Well that's my problem and my sin. I'm encouraged every day by people like Blake and my friend Austin. Both are guys that are like little brothers to me, yet I find myself looking up to them in their walk with Christ. I'm encouraged by people in my life that are dealing with divorce, cancer, death of a loved one, or just hardship in general, yet rather than shake their fists at God, they are digging deeper in to His grace. I'm encouraged by people like Matt Chandler, the lead pastor at the Village Church in Dallas. He's only 3 or 4 years older than me and has a wife and 3 kids. On Thanksgiving he had a seizure and it turns out he has a brain tumor. Surgeons operated but were unable to get all of it so now he is going through radiation and chemo. Here are 2 videos that exemplify, not only God's grace and mercy, but also why he has had such an impact on my life.

Before tumor:



After tumor (sorry, couldn't embed this one):

Video from Matt

I have been truly blessed throughout my life. I have wonderful parents. I have a brother and sister that I love. I have a small group of best friends that I have known since childhood, all of whom have a sense of loyalty and brotherhood that a lot of guys my age can't understand. I have a secure job. I have a beautiful house. I have all the toys I could possibly want or need. I have 3 awesome dogs. I have in-laws that I actually adore, and I think they are pretty fond of me. And I have the most amazing, beautiful, caring wife there is. And we have the most amazing, beautiful little girl on planet earth. Sorry, it's a fact. I have everything, but it's all nothing without Christ at the center. I mentioned before that I have a goal and a desire to pray every day, and that I'm working on it. When I pray, I ask God for things like wisdom, guidance, clarity, understanding, strength, and ability in my personal life, in my marriage, and as I read the scriptures. I thank Him for forgiveness, grace, mercy, love, and faith. I pray for guidance for Em and I as parents, so that we can lay a foundation for her to learn and understand the grace of God, and so that when God decides it is time, He will light a fire inside her and she will believe, and He will save her soul.

I don't really know how to wrap this up so I'll say this. I mentioned my friend Austin earlier. He started a blog yesterday and I read it and felt very inspired and encouraged to write this. Ultimately, I kind of copied him. He's a great guy so if you want to be encouraged and inspired as well, check out his blog. There's a link over to the right for Smith Family Blog. I'll end with Blake's closing remarks to me in his email. He said...

I’ll leave you with this…………………This world is an evil place and Godly men are a dying breed. We have to seek God’s will daily in order to fight the evil that stands against us. If you believe God exists and His only goal is to have a loving and compassionate relationship with you, then we also have to believe that the devil exists and his only goal is to destroy your walk with Christ, your marriage, your family, your friendships, and your peace and joy. Fight the good fight my brothers, take a stand today because we aren’t promised tomorrow.